How to get rid of a man

It’s rather like gaining weight – it’s easy enough to get a man, but very hard indeed to get rid of him once you, as a thinking woman, have decided you don’t want him any more. Of course, ‘thinking’ may be a moot point in the descriptive, but it is indeed the case a lot of the time. And there is another important aspect to consider – as a ‘thinking’ woman, once the thinking has actually happened, very often you decide you don’t want to get him in the first place, at which stage the entire argument is not worth the paper it is printed on.

But having acquired a humanoid of the male persuasion for whatever reason, you go through the well-known and tried and often tested series of activities, from conversation – generally a futile endeavour – to co-existence callisthenics – ditto, much of the time – sometimes within legally defined relationship parameters. And then you are all done. You don’t need him any more. You don’t even want him any more. But there are problems that ensue. You cannot throw him out like the Wodehouse-described worn out shoe or old tube of toothpaste, and you cannot possible hand him over to the bai, the closest orphanage or the neighbourhood stray dog, the way you normally would do with leftovers of assorted kinds. And you cannot be polite and well bred and ask him to please leave the house and, to make life easier later on, to leave behind the keys to the front door, the safe, the car and the closet on the study table on his way out. It is just not DONE that way, you see. He could do anything from cutting up your favourite silk undies to boiling the pet cat (drastically inspired by Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, perhaps?) to putting your pictures on porn sites on the Internet to claiming spousal support (does the name ‘Nick Lachey’ ring a bell there?). Or he could just refuse to go, which would make life a trifle awkward where dinner party introductions are concerned – ‘Yes, well, that thing on the couch is…was…my husband/boyfriend/significant other.’

Legally, today, it is far easier for a woman to divorce her husband for undisclosable undefinable reasons, all neatly clubbed under the sub-heading of ‘incompatibility’. For a woman who can support herself financially, it works great. If pre-nuptial agreements have been signed, it gets even better, since everyone’s interests are nicely protected and packaged into ‘his’ and ‘hers’, sort of like the bathroom towels that match the bedspread and coordinate with the paintwork. But what happens to whose women who don’t have anywhere to go and no way to acquire it, whether ‘it’ is a hotel room or a flat? One such lives the life of Riley in a huge South Mumbai apartment paid for completely by her husband’s employers. She enjoys every privilege she gets, from swanky cars to plush international holidays. The price for her: infidelity, abuse and more restrictions than Scarlett’s whalebone stays. But she pays it, albeit not very cheerfully, since she gets the cherry, never mind the taste of the cake it tops. Why doesn’t she get rid of her man? What! And lose all the perks?

Is it worth the anguish? Yes, say a lot of women. One of this sisterhood has gone through a lifetime of married un-bliss with a man who is alcoholic, neglectful and, to add the proverbial insult to the injuries she suffers, sexually confused to boot. She has caught him out with other women and, unpleasantly, blindingly traumatically, with another man as well. But she is still there, in that house, with him. Why won’t she get rid of him? Simple: What will people say? The backlash from the allegedly modern society she is part of daunts her. After all, she wants to belong, has worked long and hard to belong and in part has married her husband as part of that process. And being married to this man, however painfully so, keeps her belonging.

Speculatively speaking, getting rid of a man, especially one who is not worth keeping, is easy. Anything is possible, short of murder, and even that can be done without too much difficulty, especially in a country where killing is as simple a task as pulling a trigger and then leaving the party. But over the years, women all over the world have found that the most convenient way to free themselves of an unwanted man is to make sure you have the wherewithal to do so and then leave him. As easy as pie – that way, you eat it and have it, too!