Paying the piper

When I was a small child, I was told the story of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. It was only many years later when I grew up a bit that I understood the significance of the fairytale and learned how life is all a fairly balanced equation of give and take. The plus matches the minus, the debits and credits add up to a nice zero and the yeas and the nays must find a neat middle ground. Over time I found that I had a lot to give that people wanted to take and gave of it freely and willingly, without even thinking of what I got in return. But now it seems that it is time for that little calculation to be done: I need to get back.

Getting back is not about debt, not for me. There are people whom I owe more than I can even begin to think about, be it Father or my best friend or just the lady at the back desk at the bank we have been with for generations who never hesitates to jump in to sort out forms and files without ever losing her cool or her charm – it is not her particular job or her duty as a bank employee to help us, since she is busy with her own work, she just does it when she is needed. We all do that a lot of the time; we set aside what protocol dictates we should be doing and dive in to where we can be of use to someone, just because we are in a position to do so and do not consider it a kind of IOU that needs to be repaid. Most of us do it without thinking, as part of that unspoken deal that comes in the guise of ‘friendship’.

But once in a rare while I start feeling put upon. There have been occasions that I have given unstintingly, of myself, of my talents, of my resources, of my heart and mind. There has never been a moment when I have felt that I should get something in return, since it does not matter that much, perhaps that potential feeling is even satisfied by a knowledge that somewhere along the line karma and dharma play a role and that, in the end, that great Power that is will give me my due. Who knows what the reason or the motive is; the help is available, it costs me little, I give it. If the label ‘friend’ is attached to the person I am giving to, then there is no question about the giving, it is done with joy and optimism. And people who take know what they are taking and value it as they should. In that, I get the thanks I deserve without asking for it, without even wanting it, because that friendship means more than any payback could.

Right now I feel a little taken for granted, in a way used. No, there is nothing too negative in this feeling, nothing that can be fixed either, by anyone’s apologies or actions. I am not losing anything by the giving and would probably be willing to keep on giving if the other person wants me to. But that sense of wariness, of caution, of almost calculation has now entered the equation for me, which is fatal to not just the giving, but the relationship itself. I still have plenty to give and can still give it, but now I am feeling a reluctance to give without getting. I am not asking for money, for privilege or for even a word of acknowledgement, but for a hint of awareness that it is becoming strained as a balance, that the taker now needs to give back. Maybe what I want is a certain accountability, a sense of responsibility that allows questions to be asked, that gives answers even without those questions being asked, that provides information in exchange for encouragement and support and, yes, information given.

Do I want to explain all this in simpler terms? No. Do I want to say what it is all about and who is involved? No. They know. I know. And if they become aware of what I think of the situation, which I have in fact expressed on an earlier occasion, that does the job for me. Do they read this? Yes. Will they do anything about it? Probably not. If they were the kind of person who would repair the situation, if they were conscious of the fact that it is happening, they would never have allowed it to happen at all. They, like me, would know what friendship means. And it is not about saying sorry or not, it is about not needing to.