It happens. Sometimes you don’t know what to say and when you do, you have no idea how to say it, and when both of those come together, something else comes along that prevents you from saying whatever it is that you know you want to say. And even as you come up with fabulously satisfying sentences like that last one, you wonder why you need to say what you have to say at all – why not just leave it unsaid, which would be a whole different kind of satisfaction, no?
Be all that as it may, life has a rather strange way of rolling right over you when you least expect it to. I took off from working full time with the firm belief that the move would give me time to recover from a lot that had been going on in my life for many years. There was love and death and life and rediscovery and loss and pain and joy and satisfaction. And somewhere along the way came this surety that whatever happened, happened for a reason that became clear, at some time or the other. It was not a fun way of learning, but it was a hugely necessary experience. Some people call it growing up, some people call it adulthood, some people call it life. For me, it was just one more speedbump in my existence. Some of these bumps hurtled me forward, some held me back, others made sure that I took a new path, undiscovered and even unwanted. Today, I like who I am. And while it still matters to me that people who matter to me like that same me, it is not vital for that to happen. As my favourite character Popeye liked to say, I yam wot I yam and that is that.
So in these last few weeks, when this space has been unvisited by me for reasons I cannot even remember, I have done some more growing. Mercifully, that growth has not been physical and horizontal, bless the gym and a tough trainer for that! But the growth has been, to a great extent, internal, which does not mean that my liver is enlarged or my brain has expanded, but that I have finally figured out what I am about and what I want of myself. Which is, of course, not for anyone except me to know more about, but it is a way to start explaining why I have not updated my blog in too long.
Of course, the other major reason could be that I have been busy battling the vagaries of the entertainment world. Now that is a slice of my life I would not like to relive, but did enjoy…at some strangely masochistic and self-flagellatory level. I have hotly pursued all sorts of people, from television stars to Bollywood biggies, talked to them about the oddest possible subjects and thoroughly relished the power of knowing more than they would perhaps want me to. Of course, them saying that they do not want to be quoted along the way does not delete the words they spoke. In fact, if I was a gossip journalist with a highly coloured rag, I would make a fortune in paybacks or bylines by simply recapping the conversations I have had over the last month or so! What fun!
At the end of it all, I sit back and watch myself from somewhere above my head, wondering what this person is doing and why. Sitting on a sofa exchanging giggles and bitchy remarks with one of the hottest stars on the Indi-rap scene or watching a fabulously famous choreographer sort out domestic matters or even chatting with television’s favourite stud-muffin has been educative, to put it mildly, even as it has been greatly entertaining. And understanding how these people and others of their ilk make the magic that wins them so many fans is even more of a learning experience. Hard work, determination, resolve, or just sheer pigheadedness – who knows what does the trick. But the trick is done and, at the end of the day, that is what really makes the world go around. Taking me with it, willy-nilly.
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