Back to the future

It's funny how small things remind you of things you did, wanted to do, or should have done. I was talking to an old friend this morning and he told me that I should make contact with someone who had floated briefly through my life. He saw this former acquaintance recently, but did not speak to him, and wondered why I had cut him out of my life so totally. We had been fairly good friends, he reminded me, with so much in common, so why not just make the first move and get back in touch?

But there are things in life that are just impossible. Once your ego is hurt, once your feelings are hurt, once your physical self is hurt, there is no going back to something that was or was becoming or even might have been. But it is very difficult to explain this one. I did meet someone I liked, someone I may have wanted to know for a long time. we had many common interests, from photography to art to food to writing to travel to people, to asking questions, to.... But, as I got to know him better, I started discovering that I really did not want to know him better. He had a strangely narrow view of life and its denizens and could not see beyond his own point of view. Few other people mattered and he stayed the centre of his own universe. We are all selfish in our own way, but perhaps this was my 'fault' - I wanted more if I wanted involvement. And if I didn't get it, well, I would try to make it work, if it didn't, I would find out what the deal was and if that didn't work for me, then it would not matter any more. I made that resolve many years ago and, this time, I even kept it!

I kept it without any qualms, no regrets and only one fleeting thought: that it could have been great fun. And, as I told my friend who said I should make the move, I am always open to friendships and knowing people, maybe even developing a relationship, whatever it may be. It is exciting, a whole new adventure each time. But if I have to work harder than I can and am willing to, if I have to give up what is important and meaningful to me, and I have to become someone I am not, I cannot do it. No fun, no point. Even though life is not all about fun, it also is about meaning and stimulation and caring and sharing. It cannot be one-way, it cannot be on any one person's terms, it cannot be compromise. Not for me, at least.