Cubicle connections

(The Times of India Crest Edition, November 6, 2010)

Make friends, influence people and move on. That is the story in today’s get-ahead-fast world, where changing jobs is fairly easy, the after-effects of the recession notwithstanding. Once upon a time a career was all about staying with the same organization for years, even decades, steadily slogging on in a job that was about stability and loyalty rather than rapid advancement and incremental salary jumps. Now it means being on the constant look-out for a better opportunity, a better paycheck, a better position, even a better commute to work. With each experience, there is a take-away, be it a store of memories – some good, some entirely forgettable – or a higher visibility in the field. Then there are the friends made at work. These ‘office friends’ are special, a non-sexual yet intimate relationship with people who share the work experience, personal and professional angst, often the same boss and, almost always, lunch. But there comes a time when the dabba with a BFF yields to a cup of coffee with a headhunter and, soon, a new job. Everything changes, from the work itself to the boss to the location of the office, with new friends, new gossip circles and new timings. Keeping in touch with that BFF is suddenly more difficult and meeting, even more so. Lunch dates become increasingly infrequent, telephone calls gradually peter out and then, startlingly, those same close friends are seen more as other people’s Facebook buddies. But some are lucky and manage to keep in touch with friends from various jobs. Networking sites and modern communications make it easier, they say, albeit sometimes with a tiny tinge of regret at the sweet sorrow of the parting when a job hop was done.

“I fly solo,” says Arun Katiyar, who now works as a consultant in the content and communication space, “no office, no colleagues, no politics, no back biting”. He “changed jobs on average every two years between 1982 and 2007 when I worked for others. But in that period, I worked 18 years for the same company, my assignments and job profile changing almost every two years.” He does not make friends quickly, “But I have been often told I have a big smile by everyone other than my wife. Obviously, even a small smile at work and with colleagues does wonders.” He has been fortunate enough to work with people who are “young and have the energy to stay in touch with me. Often, when I travel, even to places like San Jose, past colleagues turn up to accompany me for dinner or a drink. The world is kind and forgiving place!”

Indu Prasad, producer of an auto website, has changed jobs “as often as the next phase of life happens”. She does not make friends easily, but needs that “special click that happens only with a few people”. Former colleagues are still part of her life and she manages to keep in touch “all the time - they are some of my closest friends”. As she explains, “You spend more than half the waking hours in office and they become your buddies, a surrogate family of sorts.” But she admits that the contact “has decreased. You have your work, life, love, universe and some people do fall off your planet. And the level of interaction that you have when you are in the office is not there. Keeping in touch over chat or phone is not the same.” But for Prasad, “It's part of moving on. But the important thing is we still make time for each other whenever possible. That might be once in three months instead of every week, but that is not bad either. Facebook and Twitter have changed the timelines of keeping in touch. It also helps when you call each other once in two months to take up conversations instantly, since you already know what's happening with the other person.”

For Alok Bhatnagar, a senior digital professional, changing jobs has been “purely circumstantial”. He makes friends very easily, he says, and “I keep in touch with my peers from my former offices - less so with seniors and juniors, but I do talk enthusiastically if anyone from there calls me.” He has a degree of equanimity when it comes time to move on. “I think that I have resigned myself to the fact that one needs to leave behind office friends when one changes jobs. I always promise to be in touch and somehow do manage to do so one way or the other.” Social networking helps; “My contact level has increased thanks to everyone now joining FB. And the feeling of missing them is completely gone!” But he has another bond that is stronger, since “With some of my office friends, I have had a deeper relationship than only work. In fact, I have a set of friends (former colleagues) with whom I try to do at least one annual outstation holiday trip. Our families are also closely integrated.”

According to psychiatrist Harish Shetty, “Office friendships have a range of variables – there are different networks established: trust, wherein you trust your colleagues with personal matters; expertise, where you learn from colleagues, go to them when you have work problems; love, when the person is more than a friend but less than a lover; guru – a papa figure, or godfather, who becomes a lover sometimes; and buddy, the person who is always around, to keep you company or give you money when you need it or take you to the hospital when you have a crisis.” Some of these may overlap, while others remain as they are, no matter what happens.

Aligned to friendship and bonding is a level of competition at work. Vying for the same position, for a higher annual increment, even for a better work-station or desk near a window can cause some friction in the closest relationship. As Katiyar remembers, “There was competition. And it was a lot of fun. I remember working with two other people in a newspaper and when we left, we found ourselves working for the same magazine. We were good friends, but also wanted the best assignments. Over a period of time, we learnt to work on assignments together or to help each other. But the outcome was not always pleasant. However, today, with almost two decades between then and now, it seems like the right thing to have happened. No regrets!”

Bhatnagar admits that “There has been competition at work, but the feeling goes when one quits. There can be exceptions here, especially if there has been negativity in the relationship. However, those are people whom you would not call office friends.” He believes that “Friendship can never be forced. It comes when you realise that the other person is temperamentally compatible. I do not think any of my friendships in office were a matter of propinquity.” And, along the career path, if he comes across those people again, “Yes, I am open to work with most of my office friends again.”

Prasad, on the other hand, would prefer to keep the two worlds apart where some of her former ‘office friends’ are concerned. Parting made no major difference, as “Some people you miss because your friendship was beyond office lunches, parties, shopping, bitching, etc. They become your friends without the constraints of geography or time zones. Some others you miss because they made the job fun. You realise that your learning curve was better while working with some people than with others. And yes, there are more that are lunch / dinner / drinking / shopping / travelling buddies and, thank God, those things can still be done even if you are not working together, only, not as often!” For her, “Our friendships have evolved beyond the work place and I like that space.”

Katiyar “knew I'd stay in touch with some of them and that felt good. Even more importantly, many of them expressed the fact that they would like to work with me in the future.” But there is a faint feeling of regret sometimes, “Sometimes I do feel bad when I hear about major developments in their lives from others. Recently, an ex-colleague and now a friend who runs a restaurant with a business partner took over his partner's share of the business. I heard about it from another friend. I felt a twinge.” He does also miss some people “for the conversations and the many common things we shared. When I think back to those subjects/ discussions, I wish I could ping them, just for old time's sake. Friendships with some people who were not part of the office I worked in, but were in the organization, have endeared despite the fact that we did not share any ‘closeness’ of office space. I think it was more that we shared some views of life, shared something deeper than proximity.”

And did competition play a role in the relationship? He says, “Yes, there was competition. And it was a lot of fun. I remember working with two other people in a newspaper and when we left we found ourselves working for the same magazine. We were good friends but also wanted the best assignments. Over a period of time, we learnt to work together or to help each other. But the outcome was not always pleasant. However, today, with almost two decades between, it seems like the right thing to have happened. No regrets.” For Katiyar, even as one door opened, another was firmly shut. “I don't think I want to work with them again. I'd rather have them as friends. You know the funny thing about life? Office colleagues can become friends, but friendships can be easily destroyed by an office environment.”

As Shetty explains, “Even when you change jobs, you still maintain some relationships across the board. Most young people today have no loyalties towards establishments and infrastructures,” he says, “the brand is yours alone, resume is yours. Networks stretch across borders of jobs; companies may compete, but your friendships endure. There is a crisscross of friendships that does not break and does not come in the way. Young people are clear about what they want from a friend.” He feels that “These are fantastic friendships, with no workplace loyalty but more bonding to peers, so there is a lot of acceptance, along with a lot of bitching at times, a lot of forgiveness, and connectivity always. The interactions may be short, in bursts, but it is beautiful.”