I, me, myself

(Published in The Times of India Crest edition, last weekend)

When G Stanley Hall stated that the single child situation was “a disease in itself”, he left himself wide open for future pillory. Since then, the myth that an only child is spoiled, selfish, bratty and overindulged has been smashed often enough for it to become a tired joke. The reality is that only children are indeed more privileged, in that they have more resources at their command, more attention since it is not divided, more parental attention and, thus, more potential to develop into truly interesting individuals. There are issues like a lack of competitiveness, a feeling of complacency and some social maladjustment, but those are individual-dependent. What does seem to be unique is a sense of being alone, a lack of a support structure that a child with siblings would almost automatically have, never mind that intra-family stress may come in the way.

As N Meenakshi, a single 40-something writer puts it, “My parents chose to have me and no more, because they wanted to give me the best. But once I grew up and various crises happened, I realised it was not all joy!” She refers to the time when her mother fell ill, when she herself had to deal with the aftermath of major surgery and then, more recently, when her mother passed away. “Now that there is only me and my father, I get unimaginably stressed when either of us falls ill. And as Dad gets older, I worry more, about everything, major, minor and silly. If he even coughs, I start thinking of all sorts of horrendous possibilities and I am paranoid that some day he will not wake up - I don’t think I have slept well in years now!”

Dancer Alarmel Valli married fairly late and is based in Chennai, while her husband lives in Delhi. As an only child, she has understood that “Ultimately, one has to rely on oneself. Of course, it is more easily said than done!” Even though she grew up with a host of cousins to play with, she remembers that “I was a bit of a weakling, so with boys playing boisterous games, I would be an outsider. Books were my companions. Only children have to create their own worlds; they don’t feel alone - the world of imagination is very real.” This looking inwards to find companionship helped her “formulate ideas; there was a constant dialogue going on in my head. This has a tendency to tuck you away from the rest, but then you get used to the idea and you find a lot of beauty and strength from it. You get more introspective, which helped in my dance.”

Art expert Ranjit Hoskote found that “As a child, an only child, I found I could live, effectively, in a rich interior reality without being disturbed. You get your parents' nurturing attention - in my parents' generation, this attention was truly nurturing and balanced, giving the child his/ her own space and time. It was not overwhelming or obsessive, as I find it to be among my own contemporaries who are parents.” But it has its downside, he admits, in “a periodic sense of isolation. And, as you grow older, a sibling to share duties with would be a good idea.” There is a sense of responsibility that sets it, he finds, however capable and active the parent (s) may be. “As they grow older, I (more than they themselves) feel more protective, anticipating things they might need, ways in which I could help them deal with a fast-changing present. My mother jokes that our roles have now been reversed!”

In the laughter, there is one overwhelming byte of reality that only children get more aware of as they get older: parents are also getting older and will not be with them for ever. As Hoskote says, “A sensitive point indeed, and one that only children will be haunted by but never articulate.” As children grow up, find their own lives, but with maturity, age and perhaps parenthood comes a strangely insidious insecurity. “The insecurity probably comes from a gradual distance that the years inevitably bring about, from the Golden Age of childhood and the sense of near-perfect serenity, nurture, emotional expansiveness and creative possibility of the family of three people. Especially as a citadel against a confusing world. So the insecurity is a more general awareness of growing up.”

According to psychiatrist Dr Ashit Sheth, it’s “all about how the parents go about it – most times, parents do not address issues” that bother only children later in life. “I can understand that the pain-bearing capacity of an only child is less,” he says, “since he or she has not learned to face difficulty, how to compete (for time, attention and privileges), and may be afraid about coping with responsibility as they get older.” Parents need to address these issues, he feels, though “in our kind of society set up there will always be relatives, some family, to help” in a crisis situation. “Children know that they will have to take care of aged parents, but parents should bring to their notice that they need to be ready for that kind of responsibility and must rise to their own potential rather than be pampered and spoon-fed.” Marriage, Sheth believes, is inevitable, with children to follow, which provides a support structure in itself. “These are issues more abroad; in India, we have family bonds that protect only children.”

Valli believes that “As you get older, the only child thing starts becoming a bane at times. I had a rich inner life as a child, now my life is extremely creative, as a dancer and with my students.” For her, her mother was the anchor, “a very uncompromising mirror that never distorts a reflection. She has been there for me right from the time I first started going to dance class – I carry the values of dance and in life that she instilled in me.” Her father, whom she calls a “good man, a kind, gentle soul” may have “spoiled me silly if not for my mother. Now that she is older and not in the best of health, she is still very much there to provide moral support. But as one gets older, that same support structure starts being eroded; there is a great sense of insecurity.”

Insecurity is what dentist Dr Pankaj Mehta, father of an only son, occasionally feels. “We could afford only one at that time, but now I think we should have had another child.” He finds that he and his wife are starting to worry about him being alone, “but he does not really bother. In fact, he is planning to have only one child too!” The worry works both ways. Meenakshi finds that, particularly since she is single and has no children, “I worry about Dad, but now I find that I am worrying about myself too. In fact, ever since the news of how Parveen Babi died alone came out, I get terribly stressed about how I could die alone in my home and not be found until much later!” But she, like so many others, knows that at times when she needs them, friends become family and stand by her. “It happened when my mother died – a friend from work came along and became family. Even today, Anita has a special place in our home and hearts for her unstinting support when we needed it!” Hoskote’s parents react to his occasionally paranoid concern “with patience and a very warm amusement,” he smiles. “Being an only child sounds tough, but maybe that's not such a bad thing to have gone through after all! And, over the years, as only children, we find our siblings among our friends. And they can be closer than blood.”

Valli agrees: “I try and tie together 100 things at the same time - this is when one feels the lack of a family structure, brothers and sisters who actively help, offer input, ease the pressure. If you are not with these people in the place that is the wellspring of one’s creative inspiration it gets increasingly insecure; as your parents get old or pass away, you do feel more alone. I think it is a boon and a bane to be an only child. If I had not been an only child, my mother may not have been able to dedicate herself to me as completely as she did. I may not have been able to focus so completely on my dance if I had not had that isolation. You grow used to being by yourself, through living with your own thoughts and you don’t feel as alone as some people would when constantly surrounded by people. I even holiday alone, don’t feel at all bereft. But when my mother fell ill, it was quite frightening, panic stricken, at that point I was eternally grateful to have friends, cousins, husband, etc.”

Most of all, Meenakshi has learned, “It takes a great deal of courage. You find that strength from somewhere, a strength you never knew you had. It hurts like crazy, and I get really tired of being told I am a ‘strong person’, but you survive, you occasionally go on auto-pilot and keep bashing on. After all, there is always a deadline that you need to meet and a story you have to write!” Valli avers that “You need to have faith that you are not alone, you have to have the confidence that you come through that, that you have that inner core of strength that allows you to cope. One has to aspire towards creating that inner core of strength – the purnatvam, of fullness, fulfilment, sense of power.”