The road ahead

It’s been a long and winding road – whoever did that song, I hate the concept! – for me for some years now. Occasionally, just once in a rare while, it gets to me, as it is doing right now. Of course, I could always go stand under a cool shower and bawl until the knot in my head dissolved, but that would get me nowhere except on the trail of foolproof undereye depuffing and de-dark-circling gunk which never does the right trick anyway, so why bother! Of course, I could always eat, but then that would reverse the hard-won benefits of a year-long gym regimen that has me actually believing what my former physiotherapist would say when he was doing something particularly agonizing to my legs: ‘no pain, no gain’.

Or I could shop, except that I have put myself on a budget stricter than any financial planner would do during crunch-crisis time. So no more shoes – and right after I decided that, I was pushed into buying two new pairs, since the sandals I was wearing at the time, both times, suddenly gave up being footwear and morphed unexpected into strips of leather that were totally useless for my needs at that moment. Luckily, the restaurant I was headed into just accepted my bare feet as an eccentric accessory of a fairly frequent customer and the people I met seemed resigned to the fact that a creative mind mandates a quirk or more along the way. I may not have bought the pair of shoes and the sandals that got added to my shoe closet on those occasions, but having been pushed into that specific corner, I must admit the takeaway was not a bad choice. But it was not a choice I would have made right now.

I could go gallery hopping, of course, to beat the blues, if that is what this is. There are lots of decent art shows on in the city and I could probably even find something to write about if I could find somewhere that would publish it. And, of course, eventually pay for it, which they do not do that easily, that quickly, or that happily. But the art is often interesting, frequently amusing and once in a while even worth the longwinded drive into town to see it. I have made friends of various artists that way, from the prolific and articulate Jitish Kallat to the newer talents on the Mumbai scene like Sonia Jose (“spoken” to only online, I must confess) to some pushy publicity seekers who cannot be counted as ‘friends’ but can be relied on to provide a suitable quote when required to.

Of course, perhaps the easiest way to dispel the low mood is to cook, for me at least. I could whip up a culinary storm with my famous sinful chocolate cake, except for that I need to go out and get chocolate and flour and…well, you get the idea. I have a fridge full of food that needs to be eaten, but none of it – or at least very little – is of the conventional variety and would be instantly recognized by anyone with less exotic and esoteric tastes. I recently revived an old favourite recipe of mine for a deep, dark and very sinful chocolate cake that used four egg whites and lots of chocolate. But I am now told that those with a compulsive need to eat chocolate are most likely depressed, which is in part caused by the chocolate that they crave. Not really craving chocolate but more than willing to eat some if it is given to me, I navigate myself out of those waters for now…

I could, of course, figure out what I am feeling low about and get around to fixing it. It could be the result of watching too much late night television with the sound off so as not to disturb the rest of the family, or it could be due to the fact that it is very hot and sweaty and I am not happy about that. It could, indeed, come from the fact that I should get around to working again and I want to but do not know how to go about finding something to do and I feel terribly guilty about not being as involved in doing so as I should perhaps be. Convoluted? Yeah. True? Yeah. Unsolvable? Nah. Let me just pull myself out of the trough of not-quite-despond and labour onwards, along the long and winding road that I hate traveling but can’t seem to find a way off of. Until then, I smile and tell the world just how happy I am. And I actually am!