I started this blog many years ago, at a
stage in my life when a huge personal loss left me wondering when the next blow
would strike. It had been a time of pain for a few years before that, with
brickbats buffeting me from every direction. There was, of course, some valid reasons
that it had all happened, occurrences that led to self-flagellation and
enormous self-doubt, self-excoriation and self-inflicted guilt. Much of it, in
retrospect, was undeserved, a product of a mind that had lost its way and
needed to be guided into the light. That eventually happened, probably as much
my own internal strength kicking in as it was someone else kicking me in the
butt. Just when I had started believing in myself again and becoming aware that
the downs could be easily converted into ups, my mother died.
That left me foundering once again, knowing
that I had been to some extent responsible but also knowing that it would have
happened even if things had been different. This time, I was not alone. I had
friends, family, people who had assured me that they were there to hold my hand
and make sure I did not drop into that pit again. And I didn’t. it changed me.
It made me stronger, more assertive, more aware of my own power and less
willing to let anyone undermine me. I would walk away if I didn’t want to
fight, but if I had to fight, I would win. I did.
The first step was to get it out of my
system as it happened, whatever ‘it’ was. A former boss and sort of friend
pushed me into starting a blog. I wrote every day, often about my mother, often
about the cat that had acquired us, often about food. Nothing focussed, just
random rambles about anything that caught my fancy. Once life and my psyche
normalised, the blog got updated in fits and starts, occasionally lapsing into
just a record of my published writing. And then, as work and whatever else took
over whatever creative time I gave myself, it went into limbo.
Suddenly, serendipitously, mid-shower, I
remembered this blog and why it was started. And figured that with the current
situation, without much work to do and with lots of time and nothing to spend
it on, I should revive it. So, with the best intentions and the resolve to be
less lazy about it, voila…..
